Yesterday I woke up thinking it was Thursday. Then I spent all morning working on this post. And you know what I realized right before I posted it? After all, it wasn’t Thursday; It was WEDNESDAY. So the good news was that Thursday’s post was written. But then I had to work on Wednesdays.
I chose this topic because November 1st was Mark’s actual birthday, and since I learned a lot from him in the last few months of his life, I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the lessons he (inadvertently) taught me. . Here are three things I learned from my friendship with Mark…
1. Be grateful for everything.
Mark was, without a doubt, the most grateful person I have ever met. For a long shot. Living in a group home for men with special needs, he had very few possessions; I think he was only given a small “allocation” of the money the state gave to the home for his care, but I never heard him complain or even ask for anything.
In fact, my father knew Mark because he often saw him walking around the neighborhood looking for empty cans and bottles so he could collect the 10-cent deposit, which he used as “pocket money” (he liked to buy cigarettes).
On your birthday, we would like to give you something; No matter what it was, she would open it and exclaim that it was just what he wanted. She went on about how great he was. If it were a shirt, for example, he would put it on immediately and he would feel proud to wear it.
When he was in the hospital and a nurse came in to give him some kind of medication, he would always say, “Thank you, thank you very much.” Even if it was a shot!
When he received hundreds of cards from my blog readers, he was grateful for every one of them. I read each one of them aloud to him. And the ones that contained a gift card or some money or a gift, he couldn’t believe a stranger would give him something like that. When the nurses or cleaning staff came in, he would wave his arm along the walls where their cards were hanging and say, “Look at all these people who care about me!”
Another big problem was coffee. Mark only drank instant coffee (the kind you pour into boiling water and stir until it dissolves). Well, I’m pretty sure most of us would agree that it’s far from appetizing. The first time I offered to bring him a fancy Starbucks coffee, he waved his hand and said, “Oh, I already have coffee there. I don’t need any more coffee.”
Still, coming from a world he wasn’t really aware of, he wanted him to try something he’d never tried before. I bought him the most ridiculous coffee on the menu, with all those frilly mixes and toppings. (I’m not a coffee person, so I have no idea about all the words I hear in movies about people ordering coffee, lol). Marcos was impressed! He was still more than happy with his instant coffee, but he also got excited every time he brought her a “fancy” coffee.
I try to keep their grateful attitude in mind when I find myself thinking about something negative. I think growing up with nothing made it easier for him to be grateful for the little things in life; and since I grew up in a middle class family, I find it more difficult. However, I try to see things from their point of view, *especially* when I receive a gift from someone. When people put any kind of time, money, or thought into a gift, I don’t look at the gift itself, but at the person’s thought and the meaning behind it. It’s impossible not to feel grateful that way!
2. Embrace the outdoors.
This one is difficult for me. I’ve never been an “outdoors” person; I like to stay inside, out of the sun, and have control of the temperature, lighting, sound, etc. I get very distracted by certain things, especially noises; and the birds drive me CRAZY. It’s very difficult for me to concentrate on something when I can hear the birds. I know many people love the sound of birds; I’m just not one of them.
Mark loved the outdoors. He would rather be outdoors more than anywhere else. Being in the hospital and in the group home was torture for him, because he couldn’t go out as he wanted. At his group home, he could take long walks outside or spend time working on the house’s grounds. Sometimes my dad took him fishing on the boat and Mark lived through those days. The staff told my dad that he couldn’t have gotten there soon enough, because that was all Mark could talk about.
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| I think this is from a time when his brother brought him camping. |
I will never forget the last day I saw Mark, when he was sitting in front of the television at his nephew’s house. Mark’s eyes seemed kind of empty and I felt terrible. I knew he’d rather be outside. When I asked her about it, his nephew said that it was very cold outside. I decided that the next time he went, he would bring warm clothes to keep him warm and take him for a walk outside (although he passed away before he could do so).
After that, I started going out more frequently to try to see what Mark liked so much. That’s when I discovered how much I enjoy squirrels. Sitting outside on the back deck and watching the squirrels was actually quite entertaining! I started thinking of them as pets and they became more and more docile as I fed them “the good stuff” (walnuts, hazelnuts, and shelled walnuts).
One of the greatest feelings (to this day) is seeing how the squirrels came to trust me. I never tried to scare them to see them jump and run up the tree. I have always been patient and kind, and I speak in a calming voice so that they recognize me and do not harm them. Knowing that they trust me makes me very happy.
Sitting outside and watching/feeding the squirrels brings me the happiness I think Mark felt being outside. He liked to walk everywhere (and especially fish with my dad), and although I like to go for a long walk from time to time when the weather is nice, I prefer to sit on the porch or even around a campfire at night.
3. Don’t take the time you spend with people for granted.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn’t *really* get to know Mark until after his cancer diagnosis. I always looked forward to seeing him on Halloween and on that occasion my dad would pick him up to go fishing or just hang out at the house. It never occurred to me that interacting with my family meant SO MUCH to him.
Mark had no family (that we knew of). He was orphaned as a child and his brother died a long time ago. We didn’t hear from Mark’s nephew until he became ill. Basically, aside from the staff and other residents of the house, we were what Mark had in terms of family and loved ones.
This caught my attention one day when it was my duty to pick up Mark from the house and take him to the park where we had a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad. When I went to the house, the owner told me that she was very worried that no one would show up to pick him up because she hadn’t stopped talking about “Reggie’s” birthday party. For days!
He felt so included that day. The fact that he was *invited* to the party and we wanted him there. I think he had a great time just fitting in as part of the party. Many of the people who attended were people who knew Mark because they lived in the neighborhood where he walked. And they knew that my dad became friends with him and that he was important to my family. He was not ignored; People talked to him and I think that meant a lot to him.
I think about this often in these post-pandemic days, when people seem to want nothing to do with meeting people. For people who crave interaction, like Mark, the only way to get it is with other people who enjoy interaction. And with so much going online now, it seems like we never see people in person again.
I am very introverted and making plans with people is very difficult for me. I usually don’t want to do it until I’m there! But I’m almost *always* happy to go, talk to friends, and remember what I enjoy about interacting with them. There are so many things you can’t do over the Internet, or texting, or even talking on the phone. Being with people in person is something that cannot be modernized in every way. I feel sorry for people whose love language is physical touch!
Jerry has said that the pandemic has made him more introverted, which scares me a little. He has always been my opposite; When he didn’t want to make plans, he went ahead and made them anyway, knowing it was best for him. And I always enjoyed going! So now I’ve been pushing him to make plans with friends before he stops doing it altogether.
Mark didn’t know anything about computers or smartphones, or texting…his only interaction was in person. As terrible as it may seem, I can see some good in the moment of his death. Yes, he was young when he died. But if he had been around much longer, he would have had to be around during the pandemic when he wouldn’t have our visits to look forward to. And he wouldn’t have understood why it was like that.
We were able to visit him very often while he was sick and for that I am very grateful. I know it meant a lot to him. She loved his interactions with people (even the nursing home staff, who weren’t exactly the friendliest) and without that, I think he would have lost his spirit. And Mark’s spirit was the brightest he had ever seen!
And a bonus… The words “I love you” have a LOT of meaning.
I’ll keep this part short, but it’s important. Since Mark was orphaned so young and his brother died years before Mark’s death, he grew up in a group home. The last day I saw Mark, right before we left, he still had that sad look in his eyes while he was in front of the TV. I gave him a hug, then looked him in the eyes and said, “I love you.” It was the first time he had told her, but if it was going to be the last time I saw him, I wanted to make sure she heard it.
At that moment, his eyes came to life. I can’t explain it, but the physical change was like a light switch was turned on and her eyes lit up, it was very noticeable. And it occurred to me at that moment that Mark had probably never heard those words, at least since he was a child (or possibly from his brother). I felt like my heart was breaking and I wished I had told him sooner.
Since my kids were babies, I’ve *always* made sure to tell them “I love you” several times a day. Every time they leave the house. Every time we hang up the phone. Every time we finish a text message. At the end of each argument. They know that I love them; but I want you to hear it all the time so there is never any doubt. I want it to be the last thing they remember I said.
Everyone should hear those words from their loved ones: partner, children, family and friends. Even when overused, it really means something. Mark taught me how important it is to hear those words out loud.
