Verbal criticism sounds like globalized language like: “You Always” or you never.” Verbal language too Point out your partner’s flaws in a frustrated, passive-aggressive, or joking way. Using “should” statements to correct your partner’s behavior can inspire feelings of shame and guilt, which are critical.
Nonverbal criticism comes in the form of eye rolling, deep sighs, or frustrated body language that conveys a rejection or dissatisfied tone. However, what I tell the couples I work with is that criticism is actually best described as anything that the couple considers critical. If you use his If you don’t use metrics for what is critical, you are missing the opportunity to tune into your partner’s emotional world and become more sensitive to what they consider critical.
Criticism often occurs when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw. For example, you could say: “You never put your shoes away when you get home. You’re an idiot,” instead of saying, “Honey, it’s very important to me to keep the driveway clear. Would you mind making an effort to put your shoes in the closet when you get home?
People often use criticism as a defense against vulnerability, since it is more vulnerable to express one’s needs directly. I’ve heard my partners say, “It’s the only way to communicate with him!” And although that is almost never the case, who cares if the shoes are put away if the consequence is that you have made your partner feel bad?
When one person experiences continuous criticism, like any of Gottman’s Four Horsemen, these behaviors slowly decrease both of their self-esteem and self-confidence, and both will retreat to opposite sides to gain the safety of distance. And, like all of these relationship-destroying behaviors, this only intensifies the conflict. Every time.
When we fear being criticized, we don’t feel safe, so we are reluctant to fully show ourselves to our partner. If you repeatedly tell your partner that they are worthless, useless and ineffective…why would they try to be anything else when you already have a fixed idea of how you see them?
