Maintaining a Strong Sexual Connection During Midlife

I recently became absorbed in the novel “All Fours” by Miranda July. The story follows an unnamed perimenopausal woman who, realizing her hormones are about to plummet and the impending fear of becoming sexually obsolete, boldly breaks free from the confines of domesticity and gender norms. I couldn’t leave it.

One of my friends shared a
New Yorker Article that talked about July’s novel, as well as others published in recent years that point to a similar theme: middle-aged women are beginning to wake up. “I love that women are finally giving themselves permission to have a midlife crisis,” I told my friends. The female midlife crisis is having a moment, and as a sex and relationship therapist, I feel called to reflect on this movement.

There has been (finally!) a surge of attention to menopause in recent years. It’s a topic that has garnered a lot of attention on social media and was recently published by PBS.
The M factora documentary that focuses on the new science surrounding menopause care.

Women are sick and tired of feeling left out by doctors who neglect their health and well-being. And, health issues aside, they refuse to keep pretending they’re not interested in sex in the future.

While writing my new book, “
Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Creating Connection and Cultivating Passion”, I interviewed many women about what makes sex great at every stage of life. Menopause did not stop my research participants from feeling sexual. In fact, most of them were pleasantly surprised to discover a improvement on how they felt sexually during their middle-aged years. They cited things like feeling more comfortable in their own skin, a greater ability to assert their wants and needs, and a partner who collaborated with them to keep things interesting. And I have counseled many middle-aged women who experience a surge in sexual interest after leaving unhealthy marriages. All this to say that hormonal change during midlife doesn’t have to mean the end of sexual vitality.

Read: 9 ways menopause can increase your sex drive >>

While the theme of recent novels focuses on women going through a midlife crisis, on reflection, I think it’s best we think of it as a sexual awakening. In my opinion, the latter implies more agency. And I don’t think women necessarily need to seduce a young man to get sexual excitement, although there’s nothing wrong with that.

The “Adaptability” chapter of my book is full of information about how to maintain a strong sexual connection despite changes over the course of life, but here are some quick tips.

1.
Reevaluate your sexual values. Most people do not spend time reflecting on the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs they have about sexuality. Many of us internalize messages that were transmitted to us by society, culture, education and religion. Ask yourself questions like: What do I need to experience to feel sexually satisfied? How would I like to be treated before, during and after sex? How far am I willing to go to keep things exciting? How do I see the relationship between love and sex? Have any of my thoughts or feelings evolved over the past 15 years?

2.
Involve your partner. Ask your partner if they would be willing to monitor the quality of your sex life. It’s okay to start the conversation with something like, I feel uncomfortable bringing this up, but I realize that we haven’t sat down to exchange our thoughts and feelings about the quality of our sex life. I know it’s important to keep this part of our relationship strong. I imagine we’ve both changed a bit over the years and I think it would be a good idea to see if there are any adjustments we need to make.

3.
Embrace new experiences together. Many midlife couples find excitement in trying new things together. This doesn’t have to mean anything dramatic. Even small changes to routine can help create novelty and foster a sense of exploration. You might consider trying new activities, experimenting with different forms of contact, or exploring fantasies. Think of it as keeping curiosity alive. Studies show that couples who try new things together tend to report greater satisfaction and connection, which can carry over to their sex lives.

4.
Focus on sensuality over sexuality. Sexuality and sensuality are often intertwined, but focusing on sensuality can open paths to intimacy that feel less pressured. Explore touch, connection and closeness without necessarily aiming for sex. Massages, hugs, or even a slow dance can create intimacy without performance expectations. For many people, enjoying sensuality can be a way to reconnect with their bodies and others, especially during times of physical or hormonal changes.