Dealing with uncertainty and difficult emotions is a part of life. Learning to accept and manage both is important for a child’s growth and development. In a world that values immediate gratification and peace of mind, it can be challenging to teach children to tolerate these feelings without intentional practice.
Dr. Amanda Heins of Rogers Behavioral Health explains the importance of guiding children to view uncertainty and uncomfortable emotions as an opportunity to develop courage and strengthen their problem-solving skills rather than something to avoid.
Why are children today more uncomfortable handling difficult emotions?
Environmental factors. While genetics can certainly play a role, a child’s environment also plays a big role. Children often experience less desirable emotions, such as worry and stress, when it comes to social and school situations. When children are less confident in how to handle emotions, their initial reaction may be, “I don’t like this feeling and I just want it to go away.” This can cause children to avoid the task or situation that causes them discomfort, such as studying for a test or having a friend over to hang out. Instead, they will engage in something they enjoy, such as screen time.
Parental factors. Well-meaning parents may unintentionally reinforce avoidance. For example, if a child no longer wants to participate in an activity they are involved in, a parent can tell them that it is okay and allow them to stop without talking about it first. While the child may be making a responsible decision to simplify sports and activities, it is important for parents to explore the reasons and make sure it is in the best interest of the child’s short- and long-term development, rather than be influenced by your own discomfort. Skipping this step may encourage children to “avoid” the discomfort.
Technological factors. Children are using devices now more than ever, and for many, screens have been a big part of their childhood. Without proper monitoring and limits on screen time, technology can eliminate valuable face-to-face socialization practices and provide a way to avoid hassles. Technology also offers immediate gratification and relief. For example, a child doesn’t have to think about their math test while playing Fortnite. Children learn that when they feel overwhelmed, they can escape to their phone or tablet without feeling or resolving what makes them uncomfortable.
While children may experience temporary relief, the source of the discomfort has not magically disappeared. When the child remembers the next task or situation they are avoiding, they will be less prepared on how to handle it, leading to greater distress and the need to avoid it again. Furthermore, as children enter adolescence and beyond, expectations for managing distress naturally increase, as does the risk of avoidance.
When should a child’s avoidance be a cause for concern?
Parents and caregivers should be concerned if they notice:
- Difficulty completing daily tasks. A child should be able to get to school on time. Parents or caregivers should not have to breathe a sigh of relief every morning thinking, “Thank God we made it through another morning.”
- Decreased socialization. A child has become more withdrawn at school or frequently says he or she no longer wants to go out with friends or classmates.
- Increased screen usage.
- You no longer participate in activities or hobbies that you used to enjoy.
- Neglecting basic personal care, such as eating, showering, and getting enough rest.
- Significant change in affect. For example, the child was typically a smiling, joking child and now cries most days.
- School rejection.
- Self-harm.
- Drug or alcohol consumption.
- Hopelessness or desire to no longer be alive.
10 strategies to help children manage discomfort
I recommend 10 strategies for parents and caregivers to support children’s tolerance for discomfort:
- Make it a family goal. The power of TEAM is not lost and it is likely that everyone can benefit from practicing healthier ways to manage discomfort. Encourage each family member to set a goal.
- Set screen time limits and control content. While I do not advocate the elimination of technology, I am a firm believer in balance. Too much of anything is generally unhealthy. Instead, create reasonable expectations around technology use.
- Involve children in something outside the home. Identify in-person activities your child is interested in and participate. Whether it’s sports, musical instruments, or other clubs, these activities provide natural opportunities to build confidence and overcome discomfort, often without even realizing it’s happening. Benefits include, but are not limited to, building trust, working as a team, receiving and applying feedback, encouraging others, problem solving, managing emotions, flexibility, communication and much more. Most importantly, these activities provide opportunities to meet peers with similar interests and form new friendships!
- Practice, practice, practice. While Giannis Antetokounmpo of the Milwaukee Bucks has natural talent, even he needs to practice regularly to improve his game. A child is no different. The more children practice leaning into discomfort, the more confident they will feel. Whether it’s coping with a loss in a basketball game or struggling to learn a new musical note on the violin, each provides powerful learning opportunities that build confidence in how to handle less desirable feelings, such as frustration, disappointment, and sadness. anxiety. Plus, they’ll learn how to make adjustments before the next basketball game or violin performance.
- Maximize natural learning moments. While there are many lessons learned from team activities, it doesn’t hurt for parents to “stack the deck” a little and highlight a couple of them. Helping your child understand how much courage it takes to try something new, persevere, and improve while having fun can be the finishing touch needed to reinforce the learning moment. This opens doors to expand learning in future life situations. For example, if a child plays basketball or hockey and feels uncomfortable and needs to avoid a new situation outside of that sport, you might ask, “How would you deal with that on the court or on the ice?”
- Model what we preach. Model healthy ways of managing difficult emotions. We must remember that one of the main ways children learn is through observation. How do the adults around you deal with discomfort? No one is going to be perfect, but if we show them healthy ways to feel it and get through it, kids will think, “If my parent/loved one can handle the discomfort, then maybe I can too.”
- More curiosity and validation, less unsolicited advice. One of my sons started his freshman year in high school. While starting high school can make kids anxious, it’s important not to assume that’s what your child is experiencing. Try asking something like, “Wow, you’ve been in high school for a week!! What do you like about this so far? Did anything unexpected come up today? If something was like that, follow up with “How did you navigate that?” This gives you the opportunity to talk to your child, assess their level of confidence in handling the situation, and provide praise and feedback. Most adults will ask their children, “How was your day at school?” and usually receive a one or two word response. Instead, ask questions like “What’s the latest in math class?” “Who do you sit with at lunch?” What did you do during recess? Open questions usually provide more information.
- Take advantage of learning moments. Try not to panic in front of your child if you see that he or she is feeling uncomfortable. As parents, we can fix things quickly, and while we mean well, we could actually be taking away a powerful learning moment. While it’s hard to watch your child struggle, try to resist the temptation to immediately eliminate the discomfort. Instead, share your observations with them, acknowledge what your child is feeling, and together determine what support they need from you to get through it. Remember, if we always fix things for our children, they will miss opportunities to develop courage or resilience.
- Help them develop a growth mindset. There is power in the word “and.” Something can cause discomfort and we can continue working on it and benefit from it. Using “and” in conversations about challenging circumstances helps children develop more balanced thinking and allows them to respond to anxious or negative thoughts.
- Keep the door of communication open. While this seems obvious, even if a child seems to be handling the discomfort well, it’s important to let him know that if he ever feels overwhelmed or stuck, he can come to you to work through the problem together.
The more we help children take advantage of learning moments and all the “feelings” that can accompany them, the more prepared they will be to confidently face whatever life throws at them.
Rogers offers mental health services for children
Rogers provides compassionate care for children, adolescents, and adults, including inpatient and residential in Wisconsin, and PHP/IOP. cross country. Call 800-767-4411 for a free and confidential evaluation.
This blog was written by Rogers Behavioral HealthADAA partner.
