What Recovering from Depression Feels Like: My Personal Bipolar Journey – Bipolar Burble Blog

This is not something I generally write about. Do you know why? Because I’m usually depressed and No recovering from depression. My bipolar disorder is characterized by depression punctuated by mixed moods. And this characterization has been true for years. Years and years of trying to improve. Years and years of not being able to improve. It’s fucking tragic. They are days of suffering interspersed with sleepless nights. It is definitely not recommended. But the thing about all of this is that I am in a unique position to notice every detail of what it feels like to recover from depression. If everything is black and gray for long periods, you are sure to notice even the slightest semblance of light. And although everyone is different, this is what it feels like for me to recover from depression.

What does depression feel like?

In 1776, Dr. Samuel Johnson, creator of the English Dictionary, He first used the term “black dog” to describe melancholy and depression.. He is believed to have suffered from major depressive disorder. When you’re depressed, you probably think you’re constantly being chased by a gigantic, terrifying, deadly, ink-black being. Depression feels like a wrenching force that you can’t escape no matter what you do. But that’s just the beginning of depression.

Depression varies from person to person, but clinical definition includes (according to Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition [DSM-5]):

(You must have at least five of the above symptoms present during the same two-week period, and at least one of the symptoms must be decreased interest/pleasure or depressed mood to meet the criteria for major depression. There are some other warnings may see here.)

But more than all that, depression is about always seeing and feeling the negative and the inability to see and feel the positive. It’s about every little stimulus, good or bad, making you feel worse. It’s about missed opportunities, isolation, feigning well-being, stays in psychiatric wards, lack of understanding from others, repeated medication trials, and not living up to who you know you are. Depression is about endless suffering.

Depression feels like the destruction of your soul.

What recovery from depression feels like

The first thing I felt was a change in my brain. I know it sounds strange. But before, my brain was 100% depressed, and then I discovered that a small percentage was something else. Depression still took up most of the space, but I was aware that there was something else there too. It was difficult to understand what the “other” really was.

Recovery from depression is a slow process, but you may notice it through small flashes or more than just suffering. The lack of suffering, not happiness, was the next thing that became evident to me. It was really strange. I discovered that everyday experiences hurt less. For example, I’ve said before that seeing happy people actually makes me feel worse. A couple in love holding hands could make me cry. Well, suddenly, seeing happy people didn’t make me feel bad anymore. I didn’t feel much about it at all. This was great progress. (You can’t imagine how horrible it feels when seeing happy people makes you feel sad. It makes you feel like an alien, among other things.)

Then, I started to feel like I was genuinely smiling. I’ve written before about how fake smiles are a bipolar coping skill. Being able to replace an expression painted on my face with a genuine smile was sometimes a relief like you can’t imagine. Seeing something and invoking a truly sincere smile felt like heaven. A real smile did not always appear, but little by little it appeared.

In addition to this, I noticed my breathing. I felt like breathing was easier. Each inhalation was less laborious. Not forcing myself to breathe against my will was a relaxation and relief I didn’t know I needed.

(You will notice that happiness has not yet appeared. Feeling recovery from depression does not require this. There are many parts of depression that do not include the ability to feel happiness.)

I also noticed that the food tasted better. When you can’t feel pleasure, everything, even food, exists in a gray underworld. Recovering from depression is like spicing it all up. Unfortunately, this makes me want to eat more, but I’ll accept it since I can enjoy it while doing it.

It’s now that my real emotions started to feel more positive. I would characterize it as quiet comfort. I would characterize it as greater balance. I would characterize him as a human being. It’s as if the black dog has become much, much smaller. In fact, it started to look kind of cute.

I believe that, at some point, happiness will make itself known. It’s not here yet, but it seems possible that it will arrive.

The warning in recovery from depression

I would like to mention that my depression has not gone away now. There are still many lingering symptoms of depression in my daily life. That said, the part of my brain that my depression occupies is much, much smaller now. Maybe it’s even 50%.

That’s a miracle.

Feel recovery from depression

Like I said, I have been experiencing the horrendous state of depression for a long time. Recovery from depression feels very strange to me. He feels bad. Depression, I can predict it. I know what it’s going to do for my day. Recovery from depression, I can’t. The feelings of recovery from depression are unexpected, to say the least. Every time a new non-depressed experience arises, it is a surprise. It’s like discovering myself again. I want to sit back and enjoy it. Just watch what my brain does next. I want to be still and just contemplate the miracle.

I feel scared about recovering from depression

This is what happens when recovering from depression, especially after an extremely prolonged period of suffering: there is a fear that it will go away. After all, my brain is not used to this. What happens if he comes back? What happens if the medicine stops working? What happens if I develop tolerance? The pain is heartbreaking, yes, but seeing the light of well-being and having it taken away from you is even worse. I feel desperate not to do anything “bad” to disrupt the miracle.

Fear of recovery from depression when you have bipolar disorder

And in fact, having bipolar disorder makes the fear of recovering from depression even worse. That’s because those of us who have been doing this for a long time know: wellness isn’t wellness when it only leads to hypomania, mixed mood, or worse. When I feel something positive, I’m terrified that what I’m really feeling is the beginning of a bipolar mood episode and not a feel-good episode. Finding this out would be extremely painful. It’s the kind of pain that drives people to suicide.

I feel like my depression is getting better; I’m going to enjoy it

But even though I recognize the fear and know it’s real, I’ll try to put it aside and just enjoy the lack of suffering for a while. I am a person who analyzes my mood every day as a coping mechanism. It has kept me alive, given me knowledge and allowed me to make a career. But I plan to take small breaks from that. I’m not going to give it up completely; I think that would be a mistake, as it could cause me to miss the signs of a developing mood episode. However, I think giving my brain small breaks from the endless work it has done for years is the right thing to do. Holy cow, he’s earned it.

And I will consciously experience the positive aspects of my recovery from depression. Instead of trying to ignore all my feelings because of the pain, I will actually look at them, acknowledge them, and notice that they are not causing me suffering. I’m going to try the difference in food. I’ll see the difference in the dawn. I’m going to listen to the difference in the music. I’ll just sit still and appreciate that I don’t have to run from the black dog while I do it.

How do you feel about recovering from depression?

Do you identify with anything I’m saying? What does it feel like for you to recover from depression? What do you notice first?

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