Every day – all day

W.We are often encouraged to be selfless in a selfish world. But surviving in such a world requires, at the very least, selective selfishness. And to get it going, every day, all day, it’s all up to you, first. Here is the word…

Do you agree that our friend above seems a little surprised and even outraged?

Well, this is what’s happening…

Introduction

For the past three months he has had all he could handle. Name it: job, a bad relationship, a world of pettiness and abandoned boundaries, the cost of living, nasty politics… there you go.

Her frustration and pain have gotten so bad that she sees herself as a victim. Because? Because she believes that she has no control over the avalanche of external attacks and their internal impact.

That is why he considers that his misery is the fault of “them”, whoever they are.

A friend intervenes

Recently, she had lunch with a close friend who pointed out that she was responsible for her internal chaos. And she went on to share some very hopeful news: she could do something about it.

Of course, our friend was “a little surprised, even outraged.” But even though she didn’t say it, she was willing to open her mind.

I think the scenario is applicable to many of us.

Tools: Locus of control and rational emotive behavioral therapy

If any of us hope to neutralize the impact of perceived external attacks, we may need help. After all, putting ourselves first doesn’t necessarily come naturally.

Here are a couple of tools that I think will help you. And while they do so, they will make it easier to learn many things about ourselves.

Let’s roll…

Control locus

It is useless to undertake helpful interventions if we are convinced that external forces are responsible for our frustration and pain.

Locus of control (LOC), a component of personality, addresses our perception of why things happen in our lives: past, present, and future.

Getting to the point, do we believe our lives are controlled primarily by internal or external forces (are we inbound or outbound)?

Internal

Those with internal LOC believe that their behavior is guided by personal decisions and beliefs. Confidence in the ability to manage themselves and influence the world around them is often present. And yes, they are more likely to practice selective selfishness.

The future? It is perceived to be in your own hands and personal choices are believed to create success or failure.

As we age, our LOC tends to become more internal.

External

Those with external LOC believe that control over their lives is largely beyond them. In fact, they believe they personally have little or no say in management. They may even go so far as to believe that others have control over them and they have no choice but to obey.

It seems our friend has been living with external LOC.

Although theory and research indicate that LOC is primarily learned, there is evidence to show that it may be a response to circumstances. In my opinion, that means that an outsider who wants to transition to the inside side of the fence can expect to do so.

Can you see how locus of control can significantly affect our view of troubling external events that become internal?

By the way, are you an innie or an outie?

Rational emotive behavioral therapy

Rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT) is often referred to as the grandmother of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

I mention him often because his model is easy to understand and makes a lot of sense. In our discussion, the “T” in REBT stands for theory, not therapy.

Although there are additional components to the REBT model, for our purposes, this is the most important…

A: triggering event
B: Individual’s belief system
C. Consequences of emotion and behavior

When intense emotional and behavioral consequences occur (C), we often blame the activating event (A). According to REBT, the real culprit is our belief system (B). So it looks like this…

a occurs
B=C
Instead of A = C

So we can better understand the flow, let’s bring our friend’s circumstances into the equation…

A: triggering event

Every important part of his life brings him anguish. Additionally, he constantly monitors news updates and social media. He knows in detail what is happening in the world – and in his life – and that sets off alarm bells.

B: belief system

Because he identifies as a victim, he believes that he has no control over the entire disaster, that it will never end, and that there is no way for his life to return to a full “normal.” He also believes that chaos has some intention. “They” are in charge, so everyone is in danger. If all that is not enough, she is convinced that the world as she knows it will finally fall apart. And?

C: Consequences of emotion and behavior

Again, the victim – with no control over their circumstances, convinced that what bothers them is the only factor to consider. So, in her opinion, why keep trying? She has become helpless, desperate, irritable, fatigued, isolated, moody and anxious. She finds it difficult to get out of bed and she cannot wait for an acceptable time to return.

Our friend definitely believes her “C” is caused by “A.” Her friend points out that it is “B”. And of course, she will never find relief unless and until she accepts it.

The good thing is that she is willing to open her mind.

By the way, does any of this hit home for you?

Every day all day

Do you agree that engaging – managing – challenging external factors has to be a mission of selective selfishness every day – all day?

If so, learning about locus of control and rational emotive behavior theory will help put things into perspective.

Maybe they did it with our friend.

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After a decades-long battle with panic, generalized anxiety, mood swings and alcohol dependence; Bill finally found his passion and life’s work: lending a hand to those in the same boat. At age 49 he entered graduate school and earned his counseling credentials. And he continues his service through Chipur and other projects.