Changing the way it comes out
Most of us have some anxiety to meet someone new. But when it comes to appointments, bets seem very high, especially for people with social anxiety. People who are socially anxious care about how others perceive them. They feel pressure for everyone to like it. Even people who do not fight with social anxiety can experience this pressure when they look for love. Sometimes that pressure feels unbearable and you stop getting out, because it is too difficult. As you approach the appointments differently, you can find that it is really pleasant, instead of onerous.
When we are anxious, our minds can become very noisy with the anxious talk. This is called Rumia. Rummy often begins before date, with some variation of the question: “Will they like?” Once you get involved with this thought, your anxiety tends to build. By the time I get to date, it is so focused on what that person can think of you, that he cannot concentrate much more. The internal anxiety talk is something: “Do you think I’m attractive?” “Am I being fun/intelligent/interesting enough?” “Am I well dressed, it smells good and smiling enough?” “Is there anything stuck in my teeth?” When you do this, you are not present with your appointment. Instead, you are within your anxious mind. And you will not get what you need from the date.
Observation of the participant: a useful tool to cite anxiety
Anthropologists use a technique called Participant observation When they seek to understand new societies and cultures. They are embedded in this new society to understand them. They are involved as participants in the daily activities of their members, but anthropologists are mainly observing. They are collecting information. They reflect on how this new culture is similar or different from other cultures they have found. They reflect on their own prejudices. They maintain a position of curiosity, interest, acceptance and respect for the people they are studying.
To apply the principles of Participant observation At appointments, the first and most important aspect is that You are not invested in the result. You have no idea how the date will go. You have no idea if the person will like or like you. You are just curious and without judgment. When you are not invested in the result, it relieves a lot of pressure and it is less likely to be anxious.
On the date, ask yourself: “Who is this person that I am knowing for the first time? What do I notice about them? What am I enjoying and I don’t enjoy while I am with them? How does this person feel me? You are interested in knowing them. You ask questions and listen to your answers. Notes your body language. And you are an observer about your own feelings when interacting with them. You are not judging them or yourself. You are present in the experience. You have no agenda, apart from knowing them and seeing how you feel for them.
On the date, your mind can derive. You can feel anxious and start worrying about how it is. Do not analyze your anxiety. Simply focus on the person sitting in front of you and how you feel for them, not how you imagine they are perceiving you. Use all your senses to concentrate on the present. Do not project in the future.
Once the pressure is turned off that you need to like it and if this is your only true love, you can be completely involved in the present and not in your anxious rummations.
Using this technique will probably help reduce your anxiety and you can have fun while it comes out!
And … for those who are super anxious and have been completely avoiding appointments
It is useful to start with “practice dates”. (These can be considered similar to practice interviews when you are looking for a job). You establish your expectations at zero apart from finding a stranger in real life.
This is how it goes: programs a coffee date that lasts a maximum of an hour. You tell your appointment that you have plans with a friend in an hour when you are. You enter the appointment telling yourself that you are not allowed to see this person again. The complete objective of the date is that he practices to meet someone to have coffee and apply the participating observer’s mentality to date. He maintains a sense of curiosity about this person and how he feels in his presence. That’s all. There is no investment in the result, since it will never see this person again. (In your mind, you can pretend that it is a real anthropologist and that it will register its observations after date). Establishing dates several times in this way will probably provide confidence to continue meeting more people and can begin to continue “real dates.”
And when you know more people, you understand better what you are looking for in a potential partner. The person who can be your true love may not have necessarily been the type of person who initially had in mind. When approaching the appointments with a participating observer perspective, he is open to knowing many more people and is likely to be less exhausted in the process. And, in addition to having more fun on the dates, you are likely to have many interesting stories to tell.
Listen to Dr. Thornton’s episode Would you consider hiring a escort? With the feet of the crow: life as we age the podcast.
This article was originally published in Half.
