Emily Jamea, Ph.D.., is a sex therapist, USA Today best-seller author and podcast host. You can find her here every month to share her latest thoughts on sex.
As a sex and relationship therapist, my mission is to help people feel safe and confident in their sexuality. Most of the time I work with people to increase desire, cure sexual dysfunction, overcome sexual inhibition, or calm compulsive sexual urges.
But sometimes I work with people to help them feel safe and confident about the absence of their sexual feelings, a sexual orientation called asexuality.
In a world hyper-focused on romance, desire, and sexual connection, asexuality is often overlooked. But it is as valid as any other. sexual orientation. About 1% of the population identifies as asexual. And the percentages are slightly higher in the queer community, in younger adults, and among those on the autism spectrum.
By shedding light on this often misunderstood sexual orientation, we can better understand not only those who identify as asexual but also the infinite nuances of intimacy, connection, and love.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation where you have little or no sexual attraction towards others. This doesn’t mean that asexual people can’t experience love, intimacy, or connection. It also doesn’t mean that they are celibate by choice or that they want to avoid romantic relationships altogether.
Asexuality exists on a spectrum, often referred to as “ace spectrum“, which includes different types of attraction, desire, and relationship preferences. Some asexual people identify as romantic, meaning they do not experience romantic love, while others can form deep romantic connections even though they do not experience sexual attraction.
“Graysexual” people may experience occasional or situational sexual attraction, while “demisexual” people require a strong emotional bond before feeling sexual desire.
While some people may be very clear that they are asexual, others may wonder if and where they fall on the spectrum.
Am I asexual?
If you’re wondering if you may be asexual, work with a trained therapist and use assessments such as Asexuality Identification Scale The test may help shed some light on your orientation.
Myths about asexuality
There are many misconceptions about asexuality. A common myth is that asexual people are repressed, traumatized, or “waiting for the right person.” This misunderstanding diminishes the legitimacy of asexuality as a sexual orientation and maintains harmful stereotypes. Being asexual is not the same as being celibate, without sexual experience or without interest in relationships.
Another common myth is that asexual people cannot have satisfying relationships. In truth, many asexual people build deeply satisfying connections, whether romantic, platonic, or something in between. Like anyone else, asexual people may seek companionship, emotional intimacy, and shared life experiences. Some may even engage in sexual activities as an expression of love or mutual agreement with a partner despite not experiencing sexual desire themselves.
Read: Good sex with Emily Jamea: The paradox of desire >>
It is important to remember that most components of sexuality are fluid. This means that some people may feel that their sexual orientation, gender identity, and preferences change over time. Some people may find themselves fluctuating between feeling heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual, or even asexual throughout different periods of their life.
Navigating Relationships as an Asexual Person
A common question about asexuality is how it influences relationships. All healthy relationships begin with honesty and communication, and asexual relationships are no different. If you’re asexual, you may need to have open conversations with your partner about their desires and what intimacy looks like for them. This might involve redefining traditional ideas of partnership to prioritize emotional closeness, shared values, or mutual support over sexual compatibility.
For asexual people in relationships with asexual (non-asexual) partners, finding a balance that meets the needs of both individuals is key. This could mean including commitments, creative expressions of intimacy, or exploring alternative relationship structures, such as consensual non-monogamy, so that the allosexual couple can meet their sexual needs. Ultimately, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, but with mutual respect and understanding, deeply satisfying partnerships can be built.
Community is important for everyone, but especially for sexual minority groups. Online spaces like the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and local expert meetings offer opportunities for connection, validation and support. These spaces remind asexual people that they are not alone and that their experiences are valid and worthy of recognition.
Moving towards greater acceptance
You don’t see many asexual people represented in mainstream media, which can make people who identify as ace feel invisible and alienated. Sexuality is often presented as a universal and essential component of human existence, making it difficult for asexual people to see themselves reflected in social norms. This lack of representation can lead to self-doubt, internalized stigma, and difficulty accepting your identity.
The good news is that visibility is increasing. Acceptance begins with education and empathy. Show how Sex education and public figures such as the asexuality activist Yasmin Benoit They are helping to bring asexuality into the conversation. Greater representation helps foster understanding and acceptance. Whether you identify as asexual or are simply an ally, acknowledging and validating this identity enriches our shared humanity.
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