The First Holiday Without My Dad Was Hard but Support Helps

as told to Jacqueline Froeber

This year I hosted Thanksgiving, just as I had for the past eight years. I made giant turkey, mashed potatoes, and all the traditional favorites. The dessert table, my father’s favorite place to sneak when no one was looking, was filled with delicious pastries and sugary treats.

I produced enough food to feed an army, or in this case my large Italian family. My parents had seven of us in eight years, and over time we added spouses and 26 grandchildren.

As usual, I kept myself busy cooking, chatting, and drinking refreshing drinks as people arrived. But then I passed Dad’s seat at the head of the table and immediately burst into tears. That’s what happens with grief. One moment you’re fine and the next, surprise! – you are not.

Thanksgiving was our first Christmas celebration without Dad. He passed away at age 92, so his death wasn’t unexpected, but it was still difficult.

Read: Expert Tips for Getting Through the First Holiday Season After the Loss of a Loved One >>

Dad was the patriarch of our family, the nucleus, and we all revolved around him. My mother passed away from breast cancer when she was 56, so it was my father who kept our family together and the traditions.

Every year, we would take a family photo with Dad sitting in the middle surrounded by all of his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. It was such a beautiful tradition when he was with us, but I was absolutely devastated when my brother wanted to take the photo again this year.

2023

“I don’t want to make the movie,” I protested. I was excited. I didn’t want a photo without dad in the middle, where he had always been.

My brother said he understood and had a plan. “I’m going to make a collage of all the memories with dad and it’s important for us to see the emptiness when he’s not in the picture because it makes you appreciate what we had,” she said.

My brother was right. We were lucky to spend so many years with our father and so many good memories, and that was something we wanted to continue. We took the photo and it was difficult (there were a lot of tears on my part), but it helped us open up to share, laugh, cry and talk about dad. We talk about vacations and the crazy times when something went wrong, when Dad burned the turkey or when someone fell and broke their arm while dancing. When we finished talking and remembering all the crazy stories, everyone was laughing and we felt lighter.

2024

Vacations have always been very important to my family, and this was especially true for Dad. Their favorite Christmas tradition was the Feast of the Seven Fishes, which is a big Italian celebration on Christmas Eve. Our party was a great production. Whoever was hosting that year had to rent a tent, hire staff, and get food for at least 60 people. It was a lot of work, but Dad loved it and we would do anything for him. After his death, my brothers and I decided not to gather to see the seven fish; It was too much to do.

But a few weeks later, our brother called and said he had changed his mind. “Let’s continue the tradition for dad: let’s gather for him,” he said.

My sisters and I realized at that moment that I needed support. We had all been there for each other through phone calls, texts, and whatever we could do, but our brother needed the tradition this year. So we didn’t think twice: on Christmas Eve we will have the party. My sister is flying in from Chicago and we will all gather under the tent like we did when Dad was here with us.

It’s been hard for me to get excited about the holidays because I know Dad won’t be there. He doesn’t wink at me when he wants me to make him a cup of coffee after dinner or help me plan our next family gathering. His death has left a tremendous void in my heart and at times the pain is overwhelming, especially during this time of year that I loved so much. But I have learned that you have to share your pain, talk about your loss, and ask other people for help. This Christmas Eve won’t be the same, but we will get through it together. And that’s what dad has always wanted.

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