Lately I’ve been learning about shame and guilt. As a writer, those words sound very similar to me. In fact, their psychological impacts couldn’t be more different. Guilt is normal and even helpful, while shame can have a toxic effect on mental health. Let’s talk about how we all experience guilt and even shame, but how guilt can help us and shame can hurt us.
Understanding guilt: a healthy emotion for positive change
Guilt is a common and natural psychological emotion that can help guide behavior and personal growth.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), guilt is:
“a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something wrong, and often by a disposition to take action designed to undo or mitigate that wrong.”
I’m sorry every time I don’t tip a barista. I feel self-conscious about it, but it’s a fleetingunpleasant emotion. It might motivate me to tip my regular barista next time.
While guilt is often healthy because it can motivate positive change, guilt also has the ability to get out of control. People can start to feel guilty about absolutely everything, and that is not healthy. Certainly, I have felt guilty too often when I am depressed. That is not surprising, since Excessive guilt is a real symptom of depression..
I would also say that excessive guilt can turn into toxic shame, but more on that later.
What is toxic shame? The psychology behind this harmful emotion
Shame, particularly toxic shame, is a psychologically harmful emotion that many people experience but few fully (or even somewhat) understand.
According to the APA, shame is:
“a very unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the feeling that there is something dishonorable, immodest, or unseemly in one’s conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social relationships (e.g., hiding or distracting another person’s attention from their embarrassing action), which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships. Shame can motivate not only avoidant behavior but also defensive and retaliatory anger. Psychological research consistently reports a relationship between shame-proneness and a range of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem. Shame is also theorized to serve a more positive adaptive function by regulating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and arousal and by diffusing potentially threatening social behaviors.”
So, (simplified) while guilt motivates you to mitigate something you did that you feel was wrong, toxic shame motivates you to remove yourself from a situation completely because you They are what is wrong. And worse yet, shame makes you feel so bad about yourself that it can manifest as defensive anger.
As the APA mentions, because shame is so drastic, it harms you and your relationships. Excessive shame is linked to mental illness and low self-esteem.
As the APA points out, shame is not all bad. It can be positive because it can motivate him to change inappropriate behavior by threatening him with social punishment. This positive can be seen when the shame is rare and is due to a truly shameful act, but is not seen with toxic shame, as it often appears in the face of small perceived infractions. That’s what makes it toxic shame.
Personal Stories of Guilt and Shame: Lessons on Mental Health
I am all too familiar with guilt and shame. I think that is due to my extreme familiarity with depression. The thing is, I never realized the extent to which depression drove my shame and how toxic and damaging my shame was.
Like I said, I tend to feel guilty about everything when I’m depressed. This is horrible because it makes me feel like I’ve done something “wrong” all day. This means that I feel like I can’t do the “right” thing no matter what. And if everything I do is the wrong thing and if I never do the right thing, then I feel terribly bad about myself (Worthlessness is linked to guilt and another symptom of depression.).
This was a recognizable cycle for me. Toxic shame was not as recognizable. I was able to understand how what I did made me feel bad for making perceived mistakes (no matter how inaccurate that perception may be). In other words, guilt showed me what i did I was wrong. I didn’t understand that feeling ashamed made me feel bad about myself. In other words, toxic shame made me feel like Yo I was wrong.
An example of toxic shame
My apartment is a disaster. I often joke that FEMA is on the way or that people need HAZMAT suits to get in. One day, someone came into my apartment and, as usual, I apologized for the state it was in. Then I said something like, “Believe me, I’m ashamed of living this way.”
He said he could understand shame but not shame.
Now I understand why he said that. What I was saying is that while having a messy apartment may be embarrassing to some, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. me. But it seems to me that a messy apartment is proof that I’m wrong.
And ultimately, that is why shame is toxic. I am not wrong nor am I bad; It is only toxic shame that makes me think and feel the way I am.
Overcoming Toxic Shame: Tips for Emotional Recovery
Overcoming toxic shame is no easy task and I’m certainly still working on it. As I said, shame itself is normal, so the goal is not to get rid of it completely, but to make sure it is not a negative influence in your life.
Steps to overcome toxic shame include:
- Recognize guilt and shame. The first step is always to be able to detect the presence of emotions in your head. Pay attention when you feel bad about your actions or yourself. Pay attention when you want to distance yourself from social situations. These are signs that you feel guilty or ashamed.
- Recognize toxic shame. If you feel shame and it convinces you that you are bad or wrong, that is toxic pity. Mark this when it happens.
- Challenge your inner critic. Remember that toxic shame is not true. Shame is real, but the idea that you are “wrong” is not. A messy apartment (or a mistake, or a quality you don’t like, etc.) doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Search for connection. This is a classic case of when it is necessary act the opposite. Instead of recoiling like shame wants you to, look for connection. Your supportive connections will remind you, just as my friend did, that while you’re not perfect, you’re not bad either.
- Focus on self-compassion. I’m working on self-kindness and self-compassion to soften my inner critic. While there are legitimate reasons why I need my inner critic, it doesn’t have to be as unpleasant as it usually is. (A great The self-compassion resource is here..)
- Get professional help. If you are embarrassed and it really makes you feel “bad,” you probably need professional help. This might mean treating the depression that is giving toxic shame its power or seeing a psychologist to develop skills to combat your exaggerated feelings of shame. Either way, toxic shame can be difficult to deal with on your own.
Final thoughts on guilt vs. Pity
Guilt can guide us toward better decisions, but toxic shame erodes our mental health and our relationships. By understanding the difference between these emotions and taking steps to overcome shame, we can free ourselves from its clutches and find greater peace and contentment.
If you have struggled with shame or guilt, you are not alone. Share your experiences in the comments. I’d love to hear your opinion. Let’s start a conversation about how to free ourselves from the toxicity of shame.
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