Getting Through the Holidays After the Loss of a Loved One

Practice self-compassion

Many different emotions may arise, some expected and others surprise, so be kind to yourself. You won’t be able to rush through the pain. When self-critical thoughts arise, practice self-compassion by responding with kind understanding. Try phrases like “It’s okay to feel this way” and “I can grieve on my own time” to help you ground yourself.

Read: How to get through the holidays when facing grief >>

Reevaluate your traditions

Remember that you have the freedom to decide how or if you want to engage with traditions and leave room for new ways of celebrating if that feels right to you.

Take a moment to consider which holiday traditions feel meaningful to you this year and which may be more difficult. It’s okay if certain activities, like decorating or attending meetings, feel too much for you. Allow yourself to prioritize the traditions that bring you a sense of comfort and let go of the ones that feel overwhelming.

Check in with your body

Grief is a whole-body experience and can affect all parts of the body. Control and follow what your body needs out of obligation. For example, will making that casserole give you energy or exhaust you? Will making Christmas cards recharge you or drain you? You may feel different from day to day, so it is important to monitor yourself, your emotions, and your physical needs.

Try adding a new tradition

Adding a new activity or tradition can offer a positive way to cope with your loss. Consider doing something in honor of your loved one, such as volunteering in a way that connects with their memory or creating a quiet moment during a holiday meal to share a story about them or toast them. This can give you space to experience the season in whatever way feels right to you right now.

Make a backup plan

With some traditions, activities, and plans, you know you want to go ahead and be a part of them. However, sometimes things change as plans get closer. For example, you said you would continue to attend the big family dinner, but as it gets closer, you feel more exhausted.

Create a series of backup plans for these situations. Plan A is the best-case scenario: you’re having a good day and you have the ability to keep going. Plan B turns the volume down a bit and Plan C is usually an exit strategy.

Identify your priorities

Understanding what matters most to you during this time can help you discover what your needs are and feel more confident in trying to meet them. Ask yourself: Is spending time with family a priority? Do you have friends around you who feel safe? Have quiet time alone?

Set limits at social events

During grief, holiday gatherings can be emotionally intense. It’s important to set boundaries around the events you choose to attend and the time you spend on each one.

It may be useful:

• Plan a “graceful exit” by letting important people know in advance that you may need to leave early.

• Choose to attend only the meetings that are supportive and skip the ones that you find exhausting, and if that means skipping them all, that’s okay.

• Give yourself permission to say “no” to invitations without feeling guilty or adapt plans as necessary. Remember that taking the time to care for your emotional well-being is a priority and not something you should apologize for.

Manage expectations and ask for help.

If you’re usually the go-to person during the holidays, but you’ve been too sad and exhausted to bake cakes or wrap gifts, allow yourself to skip the celebration if that’s what suits you. Or, if you want to participate, be open to asking for and receiving help and support. Try calling a friend or family member ahead of time and letting them know that you can’t contribute as you have in the past. Setting expectations ahead of time can save you a lot of extra pressure and stress during the holidays.