The other day, a colleague told me the story of one of her young patients who had had frightening, intrusive thoughts about hurting other people. Please understand that this was the sweetest, gentlest child you could ever imagine. Afraid to act on those terrifying thoughts, she told her parents. His parents were terrified: what is wrong with my son? What do we do? When the parents went to see my colleague, they had discovered through a Google search that the problem was probably obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), but they didn’t want to tell their daughter because they were afraid it would upset her and make her feel “ labeled” and scared that something is really wrong with her. Fortunately, my colleague advised parents to tell their daughter what was going on, explaining that not knowing what was going on in her own mind and personalizing it was much worse. When her daughter discovered that what was happening to her had a name, that it was not her fault, and that there was a very effective treatment for it, she was immediately relieved. She had felt hopeless, like she was a terrible person and there was nothing she could do about it. Instead of feeling diminished by the diagnosis, as her loving parents most feared, the daughter felt like she had been given her life back. He started treatment and is on his way to freedom from OCD.
No parent wants to make things worse for their child, and certainly not when they are already struggling with mental health symptoms, but explaining what is causing a child’s internal chaos and distress or external symptoms can be a relief. It can separate the child from the symptoms.
It can offer hope and a new narrative: they are not bad or weird kids; There is a reason for your struggles. It’s not their fault, it’s not who they are, it’s what’s happening to them now. Additionally, given the highly effective treatments we have for many mental health disorders, knowing that your child’s symptoms are not mysterious, but rather known and studied, means that there are likely solutions.
Names make a difference
There is a line in a Talking Heads song, from my college days, that often plays in my head while working with children: “There is a name for this; “Names make a difference in the world.” The names make the difference. Whether it’s the disturbing, intrusive thoughts of OCD, the frightening sensations and catastrophic worries of anxiety, the negative thought spirals of depression, the jarring flashbacks of PTSD, or the wandering focus of ADHD, having a name for the uncomfortable and unpleasant emotional experiences can help children have a sense of control and perspective. You don’t have to look for yourself to know: why is this happening to me? What’s wrong with me? Questions that often lead to a feeling of shame or fear that something is so wrong that there is no hope (that they are different or unacceptable or that their symptoms are life-threatening) make children feel like they need to hide their symptoms. instead of doing it. You have to learn to take care of them.
When children and teens are given a name for what happens to them emotionally, it can seem less personal. It’s like giving them a bird’s eye view of the situation instead of feeling stuck. They may begin to reclaim your mind’s microphone away from your symptoms: it’s not worry, anger, or OCD that’s in charge, it’s them. They may externalize thoughts from the inside out and say, “That’s my OCD,” “That’s my busy brain,” or “Those are my big feelings.” Children can learn that they are the executives in charge and decide what to do with these messages.
It doesn’t have to be the formal name! Be creative and descriptive
When working with a family, I ask parents what their comfort level is with using clinical terms. It doesn’t really matter what word is used to describe what is happening, as long as it is empowering for the child. A diagnosis does not have to be the formal name: OCD, depression, or panic disorder, each of which can be converted into friendlier descriptive terms: OCD becomes “sticky thoughts,” depression becomes “sad attacks,” or “negative spirals”. “Panic becomes “pressing that internal “Ouch” button or “that adrenaline surge.” The clinical name is not important; In fact, even if children simply refer to their symptoms as “that thing” that is happening, there is a shared understanding that “that thing” is not their fault, it is something that millions of people experience and can change. With a name that the child is comfortable with, you will have a way to refer to the symptoms when they are happening: “It seems like Checker Guy is really bothering you right now, making you feel like you have to keep checking that the light is off.” . What do you mean? Can I help? Compare this to a well-meaning parent who asks, “Why do you turn the light off and on?”
Importantly, even if a child has been given a diagnosis, there is still room for essential “editing” to preserve their sense of self and agency. It’s not that they “have OCD”, but that they “have OCD”. It’s not that they are depressed, it’s that they have depression or even have a lot of depressive thoughts right now.
A sample script for talking to children about mental health challenges
The way we present a name or a diagnosis sets the tone for how a child feels about himself: is he the problem or does he have a problem? Here are some ideas to get the conversation moving in the right direction.
You have a wonderful brain, some thoughts and ideas that you don’t want to have and that aren’t true get stuck and make it difficult for you to think and make you feel bad. It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong to make this happen. Millions of people around the world are going through the same type of experiences right now. The really good news is that there are many things you can do to retrain your brain to get out of those patterns. But first, it will help to have a name for this: what would you like to call it? That way, when you notice those thoughts and feelings, you can remind yourself (that “thing” is happening again) what do I want to do next? Simply noticing and naming helps you stop after a few thoughts instead of being bombarded with so many that it becomes overwhelming: it gives you options. You can say, “That’s my negative thought, or that’s Disaster Man.” You can ask, “Are these thoughts important, are they true, or are they just stuck?” There are solutions that really work to respond differently to these symptoms. You will improve!
We live in a time where mental health issues are widespread for our young people. And that’s a heavy thought. At the same time, we have never had more effective treatments. Your child is not your diagnosis. Those are patterns that the brain organizes itself into, and we can, by having the power to know what those patterns are, help our children navigate to a better place. Out of compassion, we may fear that a diagnosis will reduce our child to a problem, but at its best, giving children a name for what is happening to them provides a road map, opens the door and points the way forward. freedom. . Rather than limiting them, having a name for your child’s mental health symptoms can help you identify and compartmentalize the problem, rather than feeling like your child’s symptoms define him or her. That leaves all the room for your child to continue their growth path without obstacles. Here’s to fewer worries, earlier intervention, and greater understanding from everyone.
This article was originally published in PsychologyToday.com
