Content warning: mentions of self-harm, suicide or suicidal thoughts.
Written by volunteer Ben White, this blog details his journey through a depressive period and the strength it took to change his life for the better.
My name is Ben, I’m 28 years old and I’m a medical secretary from London. When it comes to mental health, we all have a story to tell, whether it’s about ourselves, a friend or a family member. Thank you for taking the time to read mine. It happened at a time when I was feeling invincible and then my world came crashing down around me. I had never felt so depressed and upset to the point of feeling paralysed by it. I felt lost and disconnected. It was a long time before I could find my way back to being myself. This is my story.
I was 25 at the time and living with my then partner, who I had been married to for six years, in the first house we bought together. I was working as an events manager, whilst trying to establish myself as a sports journalist. I was also aspiring to represent my county in racing, whilst doing some personal assistant work for a couple of professional boxers and doing some charity work.
I was living my best life, waking up with purpose and ambition, and dreams of making a name for myself, when the path I was on took an unexpected turn.
My partner and I separated.
At the time, I had a hard time understanding the breakup. In my heart, I believed I was the best version of myself. I couldn’t understand how anyone could give up on someone who had given everything to them. However, now, looking back, I understand it better. It gave me time to reflect on myself and see things from an outside perspective and from a distance.
I realized that while inside I saw what I wanted to see, while outside I saw what I didn’t want to see, but needed to see.
She was my world, but I don’t think I truly appreciated her worth until she was gone. It was all well and good to have hobbies and interests, but none were greater than the love I had for her. If only I had let that show. My hobbies and interests were built on the love and faith she had given me. When I lost her, I lost myself. I lost my faith and any purpose I had found.
I felt very alone in the weeks and months after the breakup, as I lost that sense of stability and permanence in my life. It also led to us losing the first house we bought together. I was also furloughed from work. Any semblance of stability and permanence disappeared.
Following these events, I began to feel resentful towards myself for not being good enough, particularly when it came to relationships. I thought, “If I’m not good enough when I’m at my best, when will I ever be good enough?”
I felt like I was living by instinct, but no longer by my own will. I still ate, but not regularly or healthily. I also started to neglect my appearance. All I wanted in life was to feel wanted, so when I stopped feeling that, I stopped feeling seen. I no longer had a life I wanted to progress in. From then on, I spent my days and nights in the same place and way as the night before, sobbing uncontrollably and hoping I wouldn’t wake up when I finally fell asleep.
There was a day when I had to go out to the street to have my car inspected. That day, the feeling of not wanting to be there anymore accompanied me to the door. Fortunately, I didn’t opt for the quick and easy escape that my head so desired. I lived another day.
The question arises: if I clearly did not want to continue living, why did I choose to live?
I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but that particular moment was not premeditated and happened so quickly that the answer is somewhat unknown. But I do remember thinking afterwards:
“What would my family have done without me? How would they have felt if I had made the opposite choice?”
It reminded me of how worthless I felt when my partner left me. Wouldn’t my family feel the same way if I took my own life? This made me reflect on how my family has always loved me to the best of their ability and made me feel their love and protection. This didn’t justify taking my own life. They raised me to thrive and succeed, so if they, despite all their struggles, didn’t give up on me, why would I give up on them?
That moment of reflection paved the way for me to rebuild myself. I wouldn’t recommend any of you give yourself a life ultimatum, nor would I tell you to think about your family and what you went through to raise them. As I know, not all of us are lucky enough to have a loving home. What I would tell you, though, is this, no matter how old you are, see yourself as a project, because you’ve been working on yourself since the day you were born. You may not see yourself as perfect, but no project is perfect halfway through, and your life experiences will hone your skills to deal with what’s to come. You may think, “But I don’t want to feel that way anymore.” But what you’re seeing now won’t look the same in a few years. What you’re feeling now won’t feel the same in a few years. If you’re building a bridge, you’re not going to look at it halfway through the project and think, “This looks great, this feels great.” You’ll look at it and say, “This bridge is incomplete, it lacks stability, but it has the capacity and potential to be something great.” And you’re exactly the same.
I also learned that for many days, weeks, and months I didn’t give myself time to heal, I only gave myself time to regret. This meant I was only breathing negativity because I wasn’t allowing myself to see anything other than my own thoughts. When you have intense emotions, your views can be somewhat distorted. This is because they are driven by the moment, such as in times when you say things that you later regret because they were driven by a moment.
After these reflections, I realized the importance of stepping away from my emotions in order to regain control of my thoughts. I took up running again, a sport that had helped me in the past during a difficult time, so I was aware of its power. I knew of its capabilities and how it produces endorphins, which effectively change my mood, resulting in a calmer state of mind. This, in turn, decreases the negative energy and internal noise within me.
In addition to running, I started listening to running podcasts where I found people whose stories I could relate to. This gave me a sense of connection, but it also helped me validate and understand my feelings. By validating my feelings, I felt less alone in my struggles. By hearing how people worked through certain feelings, it gave me a source of hope that I could overcome mine. The most important thing I learned from listening to these people is the importance of structure and routine in my life.
Thanks to the inspiration I found in these people, they paved the way for me to see the strength in vulnerability, so much so that I too wanted to start talking openly about my life journey. I have not gone through these events in my life so that they are not seen or heard. By sharing our struggles, we can better understand others, relate to them more, and be kinder to ourselves and those around us.
Writing has become one of my greatest forms of personal expression, and I do this through poetry. It allows me to be more expressive and less projective. Poetry has given me a greater sense of control, while also lightening the emotional load I previously carried.
When I think about mental health, I think about the different perspectives people have on it. I think about the lack of understanding we have as a society, the questions we have and the answers we don’t have, along with the lack of coping mechanisms that exist.
How can we teach what we don’t know? How can we understand what we haven’t learned? That’s why it’s vital that we support charities like MQ Health Research to get these answers.
I can’t say that I’m “cured” of mental health issues now that I’ve gotten through a difficult time in my life. You know as well as I do that life constantly tests us. However, I feel more empowered and more prepared than before. I’m seen, heard, and I’m myself.
If you need help or are worried about someone, you can find help and resources here, or call 116 123 to speak to the Samaritans.
Learn more about exercise and its effects on your mental health here.
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