Even though I think everyone deserves it, I hate self-pity. It seems like everyone should want to have self-pity, but I don’t want to give it to myself. I realize how counterintuitive it is (especially for someone who has mental health issues). It’s hard to understand why I feel this way, but I feel it very strongly. If you hate the idea of self-pity or wonder why anyone else would hate it, read on.
What is self-compassion?
I don’t need to know the official meaning of self-pity to hate it. Just the superficial idea of being kind to myself is enough to make me reflexively dislike it. However, I think it’s helpful to look at the definition of self-pity:
“Self-compassion has been recently defined by Kristin Neff (2003) as a set of three interrelated components that manifest in times of pain and failure. Each component has two parts: the presence of one construct and the denial of another. These three concepts are: (a) being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than self-critical, (b) seeing one’s own fallibility as part of the larger human condition and experience rather than considering it isolating, and (c) maintaining full awareness of one’s painful thoughts and feelings rather than avoiding or over-identifying with them.”
There are other definitions of self-compassion, of course (find more here), but the above is useful because it provides almost a road map of what self-compassion is and is not.
I hate self-pity
But, like I said, I hate the concept of self-pity. I don’t hate it when other people show compassion for themselves; I hate it when they do it for me. And that’s because I have an inner drill sergeant. My inner drill sergeant is very important to my life, and he’s very anti-compassion.
My inner drill sergeant is what keeps me going day to day. If it were up to all my illnesses, I would stay in bed all day, every day. That’s what depression wants, and my migraines and fatigue certainly pile on and encourage the same behavior. But staying in bed doesn’t pay my mortgage.
The drill sergeant in me is the reason I’m writing this right now. He’s the reason I work for my clients. He’s the reason I do just about everything I do during the day. He’s the guy screaming in my head that makes it all happen.
People often wonder how I can do what I do, considering how sick I am. It’s my inner drill sergeant that makes it possible. And self-pity certainly doesn’t enter into that equation.
(Please note that I am not endorsing the use of such an unpleasant drill sergeant. There are many disadvantages to having one who is so controlling. It’s just what’s in my head.)
This is why I hate self-pity
Self-pity—that kind, loving attitude we’re supposed to have toward ourselves—keeps me from doing what I need to do, keeps me from earning a living, keeps me from surviving. Self-pity seems to me to be a weakness and a waste of time that I can’t afford.
For example, I’m having migraine pains right now, among other things. I know the kindest, most compassionate thing to do would be to allow her to rest. If it were anyone else, that’s what I would encourage. The thing is, I can’t do that. I’ve needed to rest so much lately from the migraines that I’m behind on everything. Believe me, there’s nothing I’d like more than to be in bed with ice on my head right now; I just literally can’t allow that to happen.
I may be wrong to hate self-pity
I watched a video yesterday about self-compassion and it made me think that maybe I’m wrong to hate self-compassion. The video talks about why self-compassion is good, not only from a psychological perspective but also from a scientific one. It aims to educate about six myths of self-compassion.
I encourage you to watch it below.
Now I’m trying to look at self-pity-hating in a slightly different way.
Re-evaluating self-compassion
If science says that self-compassion is good and can improve aspects not only of your psychology, but also of your life and productivity, then perhaps it deserves a second look. Perhaps I can incorporate aspects of self-compassion into my own life.
Here are the three concepts that go into self-compassion and how I can apply them to my own life, even if I have an inner drill sergeant telling me what to do:
- Being kind and understanding to yourself rather than self-critical. —I’m not good to myself. I have a lot of trouble with that, I admit. That said, maybe I can allow myself to be less self-critical. Maybe I can reframe my own mistakes in a kinder way. Maybe I can allow myself to beat myself up less when I fail.
- Seeing one’s own fallibility as part of the broader human condition and experience, rather than as something isolating. —I’m better at this. While I’m not overly kind when I make a mistake, I understand that I make mistakes and that my “fallibility” is simply humanity in action. While some mistakes are harder to deal with than others, mistakes are part of being alive.
- Keeping painful thoughts and feelings in full awareness rather than avoiding them or over-identifying with them. —I don’t think the person who wrote this had depression. I’ve found that “holding in” my pain is incredibly damaging, if not endless. That said, avoiding things through unhealthy means (such as substance abuse) is not productive, and it’s helpful to remember that. It’s also worth remembering that while life can cause pain, we don’t have to wallow in it (overidentify with it).
There is much more to say about self-compassion, including examples of how to implement it in your own life.
However, that will have to wait until another post. Until then, I’ll be looking trying Be a little kinder to myself in some ways.
I’d be interested to hear what you think about self-compassion, whether you think it’s useful, and how you see it in your own life.
Other publications that may interest you
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