For weeks, I watched people on social media argue about whether a man was justified in cheating on his wife because she had gained weight.
Don’t worry, I’m not interested in talking about or disparaging celebrities in particular. I’m thinking more about the implications of what we say about relationships when we give up this kind of ground.
For short—super Brief background, Lela Rochon’s husband of 20 years, Antoine Fuqua, was caught kissing burgeoning fitness personality Nicole Murphy somewhere in Italy. Part of what helps Nicole’s whole fitness thing sell is her perpetual proximity to famous men (let’s be honest), so while this might be a mark for her, it’s potentially heartbreaking for Lela.
We don’t know for sure, because they could have several arrangements for their marriage, and since neither of us are on the certificate, we’ll probably never know.
But a lot of the social media energy, so to speak, was focused on whether or not it was excusable either expected that he was cheating, because his wife no longer looks like the Lela we remember from Waiting to Exhale. Photos of a heavier Rochon surfaced, and people later claimed it was Well Cheating on your wife when she is no longer attractive. No one cared that she had reportedly been dealing with a health crisis. a man has needsthey said. He just wanted the sexy girl. they said, And he understood that when he was with Nicole..
They asked, incredulous, What did you expect?
That question fascinates me. It leaves me with my own questions.
A marriage begins with vows: to have, to keep, to love and to cherish. It states quite clearly what one might expect. It is unmistakable. Do vows suddenly stop meaning things because you’re no longer excited?
What does it mean to fall in love with someone and decide to spend the rest of your life together? Does it mean that this bond is so strong, so unbreakable, that they develop the mutual respect and empathy that unites them for eternity? Does it mean that you begin to see a sense of beauty in a person that extends beyond their physical appearance, a sense of deep, rich beauty that outweighs the superficial beauty that potentially fades over time?
Have, hold, love, appreciate. Are we saying that those vows make so little sense that something as fleeting as physical attraction could be justification for ruining everything?
What are we building with our lives, if it can so easily be torn down?
Are we essentially saying that we can’t expect a man to commit to anything other than the needs of his penis?
Does this also apply to women? Do you have needs that also justify deception? And, when she cheats, she cheats his trap Justify the violence that could be committed against her?
I think about what it means to be beautiful: when we talk about relationships, being beautiful means being a trophy. AND trophies everyone looks damn similarbecause that is what trophies have: they are what “All the men” We want, therefore, to be as close to homogeneity as possible… and this, this stuffthat many of us see, is what leads so many women to ask me about the “secret” that women like Nicole Murphy keep.
It is not a starvation diet. It is not a diet consistent with a cosmetic surgeon.
It’s the willingness to accept that the men we pursue, the men who prioritize the trophy over the bond that can form when you choose to spend your life with someone, find us interchangeable and imminently replaceable. It is the willingness to not bother generating respect, empathy and sincerity. love That comes from trying to spend your entire life with someone. Why bother? I know why it’s here, I’ll make sure to keep it and move forward. It is not a link, it is a transaction. If I fight to keep up my end of the deal and remain as conventionally attractive as possible, I always have men chasing me.
And really, I can’t even say that about Nicole; I repeat, we don’t know what’s going on here, so don’t let me go out of bounds. This is not about her, but about this. is what we are saying when we say that marriages are only as stable as the wife’s weight.
Am I allowed to be bothered by that? Am I allowed to feel so disappointed in the type of relationships people are willing to accept? That the fullness of building a life with someone you respect and admire is even less valuable than their appearance?
Or are women who make this point simply forcing themselves to accept that their expectations of men are so low That they would rather contort themselves to please their partner, instead of expecting him to see them as human? Are you afraid to ask a man to do that? Are they willing to accept the ease with which they could be discarded, simply because another younger, thinner, more “conventionally beautiful” woman comes willing to take her place?
This can not either, boss.
When people say it’s justifiable to cheat on a partner because they’re no longer attractive, I cry for the person they date and ultimately marry. I pray-pray—They realize that women are more than how they make a man’s cock feel. Women are more than how they clean their house, how they give birth to their children, and how they look every day.
There is a whole person there and she shouldn’t be dismissed so easily. We should not advocate cruelty and we should not argue that it is okay to treat a person cruelly because of the way they look.
There is a beauty in women, in couples, that extends beyond the superficial. Let them grow to be able to experience it.
