Policy. Family drama. Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. It’s the most wonderful time of year for uncomfortable and potentially disastrous conversations.
We have all been there. Standing in a group of people, looking good in our Christmas best, nodding politely while looking at the dessert table. Then someone says something completely ridiculous and the next thing you know, you’ll never talk to Cousin Becky again.
But maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.
“In these situations, it is best to remember that you are not going to change someone’s mind. “They have their truth and you have your truth,” the therapist said.
Lori Gordon-Michaeli, LCSW. “If you just came to have a good time, mentally remind yourself to disagree and move on.”
Read: How to make the holidays a little happier >>
Gordon-Michaeli said it’s a good idea to mentally prepare before going to the party and bring some armor (not literally). “I imagine putting on an ‘Iron Man’ suit that covers all my buttons so no one can press them,” he said. “When I arrive at the event, before I walk through the door, I notice that my suit is on and reaffirm that I can choose not to engage with conversations that I know will not go well.”
To help everything go smoothly during your meetings, here are more tips, tricks, and things to say from Gordon-Michaeli when facing burning issues during the holidays and all year round.
When someone mentions…
Policy
iStock.com/JimVallee
Fortunately we live in a democracy, so we can all vote for someone we think will do the best job. We don’t necessarily have to agree on everything; That is why it is a democracy. If the other person you are talking to is very stubborn, it is better to nod so that they know you are listening, but do not talk to them, your opinion will not be heard.
Try saying, “Everyone is entitled to their opinion and we can agree to disagree. That is democracy.”
LGBTQ+ themes
iStock.com/mattjeacock
If Aunt Bertha can’t quite understand gender identity and sexual orientation, you can shut her up with a simple phrase. She says: “We are a diverse society and we should all feel safe enough to live our individual truth.”
Conflict in the family
iStock.com/kazuma seki
As my 92-year-old aunt loves to say: “Show up, shut up, and wear beige.” This is my aunt’s favorite tip and it works for all seasons and occasions. Basically, just mingle and keep your opinions out of the conversation and chances are you won’t find yourself dragged into it.
Weight
iStock.com/Liudmila Chernetska
If someone pressures you to eat or not, or makes you feel uncomfortable about your body, it’s perfectly okay to tell them to mind their own business. If this has happened before, say with a family member, it may be helpful to ask another family member to act as a buffer. Talk to them before the event so they can run interferences. Generally this will help.
Read: Thanksgiving will always be difficult for me. That’s how I manage. >>
Your appearance
iStock.com/cokada
Always say thank you, no matter what Aunt Bertha says about what you’re wearing. If it wasn’t a compliment, saying “thank you” makes the other person feel confused and you retain your power.
Money
iStock.com/alfexe
If someone approaches you about your finances, change the direction of the conversation. Congratulate the host. Most people will take the hint.
Religion
iStock.com/Lemon_TM
Redirect the conversation to the meaning of the holidays, wanting to get along and be grateful for all the good things in our lives.
Media bias
iStock.com/potproimage
It is always best to understand that you are not likely to change someone’s mind about a deeply held belief. But if you really can’t let it go, you can remind them that all news can be inaccurate or biased to some extent.
Disdain for your favorite celebrity relationships (I’m talking about you, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce)
iStock.com/Ogulakan Aksoy
This is one you should get rid of because you don’t want hard feelings. But if you can’t resist, you can always say, “Why do you have to be so mean? I think it’s great that she can find her happy ending. Each of us deserves to feel loved and give love.”
